If you want to awaken all of humanity, then awaken all of yourself. If you want to eliminate the suffering of the world, then eliminate all that is dark and negative in yourself. Truly, the greatest gift you have to give is that of your own self-transformation. Lao-tzu
Left Monterey, CA yesterday morning arriving in Paso Robles, CA where I may stay a few days. Away from anyone I know, away from doctors, just away. Last night I parked in a large parking lot not far from Walmart. Used to be a Kohl’s store there but it is closed now. One other camper in lot. It was quiet and I rested and caught up on stuff. Got the ladder out and cleaned off my solar panel, and took the plastic off the roof vent, as I doubt I will get any rain here and I need the air flow. I will fix the leak soon, when I get out to open spaces.
So, I woke this morning thinking, I’m nobody to no one – no one’s mother, daughter, sister, wife, lover, friend. No one. OK, then so I need to be all that to and for myself.
The people I have loved the most, have hurt me the deepest. In some cases so deep that I can not to bear to think of them or be with them anymore. I could not be to them what I wanted to be to them or what they wanted me to be. I CAN be all that to me and if I work hard and fast I will be able to leave the second-best legacy behind for them – the genealogy I have spent 1/2 a century working to collect. Statistics say I have 15 years left, well, probably more as I’m a lot healthier than most living 73-year olds.
Feels good, fresh, starting over at will. No obligations to others, just me! Take the best care of me that I can. Be the best I can be. That felt hopeless before, but with the recent involuntary weight loss (caused by the removal of a hormone-secreting benign tumor in my right airway, blocking air flow to my right lung) I have hope that I can be all that – to me, for me. Yes, it is time to be selfish and it is o.k. to be selfish.
So, I better get busy. Today, I am working on genealogy notes laying around on my desk. Be gone, notes, be gone.
