Summary of 2025- what a pissy year!
First, I must apologize to all my followers and people who have commented in the past. I just realized I had dozens of comments waiting for my approval. I am going through them now. I am so sorry I never noticed sooner. Now...
I woke this morning feeling motivated to write but by the time I sat down
to do so, I had lost my train of thought.
At 81, that seems to happen more frequently. I have lost not only that, but motivation and
muscle strength. It is no wonder people
give up and die. When you look back on
what has been and what you wish had been, and what may be and what you wish
would be… it can be depressing as hell. But why pretend it is not so? What is the point?
My very long Bucket List seems somehow to have shortened itself to two
items: Get the biography/autobiography done. Get the Genealogy preserved and shipped off
to archives. Is that all there is? What happened to being the grandma to my grandchildren, like the Grandma I had?
What happened to growing old with David Swankie and sharing our collective of
a dozen or so grandkids? Is this all there is???? I guess so!
“To the people in my life who support me, make me smile and bring me joy, I am thankful for you.” (stolen from internet-The Cinchy Cowgirl)
On this last day of 2025, I am taking a deep breath and trying to continue to believe in myself, with grace. Maybe I am stronger than I think? Maybe the best chapters of my story are still waiting to be written… I know the older chapters are still waiting to be written. My “biographer” (my nephew Chris S. Beaty) and I are all the way up to 1973, with only six more decades to go! Turning 82 in 2026, I keep wondering if there is enough time left to accomplish that ONE single item on my Bucket List! Revised Bucket List on 12/31/2025 - Modified Bucket List : Rent kayak in Baja and on California Coast and other places, Make jewelry in Quartzsite, Ride horse on a beach, work on a Habitat for Humanity project, Visit Tuscany, Italy, Buy land, go watch wild horses and paint them, COMPLETE GENEALOGY.
Check out Chris' first book - http://www.csbeaty.com/loser .
In the past I have made the mistake of being so understanding and forgiving that I overlooked the fact that I was being disrespected… until I reached a point I could no longer… and I walked away. I walked out of the lives of the people I loved the most, because it hurt too much to stay. Maybe, I deserved to be disrespected? I am not sure I will ever know the answer to that question. I do know for some reason, at 81, I seem younger, more vital, more agile, than others my age AND I have outlived many folk younger. Genetics? I have nine living half-siblings, ranging in age from 9-21 years younger than me. They should all outlive me. But I can pretty well still keep up with even the youngest ones. This past summer, I kayaked a lake in Utah with one of them, 14 years younger than me… and I had no trouble holding my own, except the part of manhandling my kayak back to my truck. He had to give me a hand with that.
The kayaking is the major change in my Bucket List. Since having bilateral “reverse” total shoulder replacements, I have gradually lost muscle mass… and those surgeries do limit the amount and type of lifting you do. There is no way I want to risk damaging those prosthetics. I have almost full range of motion now and have few limitations, only as regards “lifting.” And that 53lb boat seems to weigh much much more now, than it did when I got it in 2009. It is time to set that aside, a fact that would have been heartbreaking before this moment, but I am at peace with it now, especially since my nephew/biographer, Chris Beaty, wants to “keep it in the family – because it was in the movie Nomadland.” He offered to buy it, but I am happy to gift it to him and honored that he wants it! I am humbled and even more honored that I can share it with his 3 lovely children! I hope they will all have many more adventures with my kayak, that has been on water in all the lower 48 states, plus been in an Oscar-winning movie (the swallows scene in Nomadland - my video footage by the way!).
So, in spite of the pissiness of 2025… there is that to look forward to in 2026… going to Nebraska to deliver the kayak to Chris, attending Beaty family gathering, getting to know my lovely great nieces and nephew, getting reacquainted with my half-siblings and all their kids and meeting some new in-laws… and who knows what after that!
I have no plans beyond that gathering… except to continue working with Chris to complete the biography. Hopefully, we can wrap it up in 2026. Then, I will move on to my last task in this life… securing and archiving my 6 decades of genealogical research. Then I am done.
Being DONE is not a bad thing. It does not make me sad, or happy, or afraid. I guess I don’t believe in an “after” only a “now!” I will strive to make the best of my NOW til I am done! And don’t any of you be sad when that day comes. Be happy with your NOW!
What is remembered, lives! (Fern (aka Frances McDormand) in Nomadland)
Next post - Utah 2025!
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