The Awakening of Swankie (being all I can be… to me)

If you want to awaken all of humanity, then awaken all of yourself.  If you want to eliminate the suffering of the world, then eliminate all that is dark and negative in yourself.  Truly, the greatest gift you have to give is that of your own self-transformation. Lao-tzu

Left Monterey, CA yesterday morning arriving in Paso Robles, CA where I may stay a few days.  Away from anyone I know, away from doctors, just away. Last night I parked in a large parking lot not far from Walmart.  Used to be a Kohl’s store there but it is closed now.  One other camper in lot.  It was quiet and I rested and caught up on stuff.  Got the ladder out and cleaned off my solar panel, and took the plastic off the roof vent, as I doubt I will get any rain here and I need the air flow. I will fix the leak soon, when I get out to open spaces.

So, I woke this morning thinking, I’m nobody to no one – no one’s mother, daughter, sister, wife, lover, friend.  No one.  OK, then so I need to be all that to and for myself. 

The people I have loved the most, have hurt me the deepest.  In some cases so deep that I can not to bear to think of them or be with them anymore.  I could not be to them what I wanted to be to them or what they wanted me to be.  I CAN be all that to me and if I work hard and fast I will be able to leave the second-best legacy behind for them – the genealogy I have spent 1/2 a century working to collect.  Statistics say I have 15 years left, well, probably more as I’m a lot healthier than most living 73-year olds.

Feels good, fresh, starting over at will.  No obligations to others, just me!  Take the best care of me that I can.  Be the best I can be.  That felt hopeless before, but with the recent involuntary weight loss (caused by the removal of a hormone-secreting benign tumor in my right airway, blocking air flow to my right lung) I have hope that I can be all that – to me, for me.  Yes, it is time to be selfish and it is o.k. to be selfish.

So, I better get busy.  Today, I am working on genealogy notes laying around on my desk.  Be gone, notes, be gone.

Preparing to Break Camp - 2015

My friends have left Quartzsite and my funds are low due to dental work I got caught up on this winter.  It's time to prepare to leave Quartzsite.  It's going to be a slow painful tedious process.

Work I had planned for the van this winter still needs to happen: 1) replacing the trailer wiring connection, 2) repainting the roof rack, 3) installing a mounting platform inside the van for new t.v.

Other projects are incomplete, like downsizing rocks, although I did leave about 20 gallons of rocks in a friends yard yesterday.  Completing and downsizing genealogical documents and photos I have hauled around in the trailer for six years.  Each and every rock is hard to part with, especially when you find something like this:

It's the lower jaw with teeth of a prehistoric fish.  How cool is that?  I'm told one recently sold for $300.  The money would be nice right now but I think I'll keep it and go back and look for more.

My 10x10 canopy was intended for a shady place to work, but ended up being just a place to pile things.  Working on folding up and repacking this area today.  Wind is knocked the heck out of the canopy tent... and I have grown tired of the noise and jealous of the small camps of my friends.

I have things I did not have when I arrived here in Quartzsite in September. The outdoor rug is one. Now the process of breaking camp has begun and I will need to find places (or make space) for the new things I purchased. There is only one hope for doing so, and that's to downsize.

The little table I built from scrape lumber I had on hand, as a place to put food when folks come over. It has worked well as a place to sort rocks too. It just rests on top of the wheel fender and the two legs will fold down flat. All that was in the trailer when I arrived, so it will take up no additional space when I leave.

Having my friends all leave gave me terminal itchy feet and I want to be back on the road.  Time spent this year at Bob Wells' RTR made me realize I am happier with just the van - camping, rather than this large camp I had this year.  I left my stuff in my large camp and just drove out to RTR for the occasional visit or overnight, just with my van.  It made me feel freer again.

It will take me days if not weeks to get loaded back up and then what?  I can't find things to get rid of, things I no longer want.  I am frustrated by having my only external hard drive stop working and the thought that I may have just lost years worth of scanning really irks me.  That's the genealogy legacy I was hoping to leave behind.  This is painstaking work, a small stack of data and photos takes hours to process and sitting that long gives me a pain in the butt and neck.  I don't know the solution.  Living outside, you can't just spread your genealogy out to sort it.  I may need to rent a room in a town that has a gym and swimming pool, so I can just unload all the genealogy, set up printer, scanner, and two new external hard drives so I can complete this family genealogy project.  That's been on my mind as a possibility for a couple years.  If you want to contribute to the genealogy project and help me retrieve the data off the old external hard drive and purchase two new external harddrives, you may use the Paypal donation button in the upper right corner of this page.

Breaking camp is made more difficult by the fact the trailer and it's contents may be heading to one location for six months and the van, kayak, bike, and things I need will be going with me to other locations for six months. Means you have to think it out well, or do without. What goes where? The process has begun.

My hope now is to process as much rock as I can.  I.E. that mean to trim down all the slabs I have to shapes I want to work with, thus reducing the amount of weight I put back in the trailer.  That in itself will take up most of the "rock time" I have left this season.

My rock work table has remained fairly well organized and I just got it cleared off, and downsized the rocks out there by 50%, a decision made easier by the fact a friend in Quartzsite said I could leave rocks in her yard. So, should I change my mind, I will be able to go get them when I return. I hope to downsize rocks I keep in the trailer to two containers only. Maybe a 3rd for tools and supplies.

My camp feels like a disaster area right now. Wind is knocking everything over. I will need to make one more fire to use up wood I have on hand. I'll take burnables and build a fire after I get through sorting stuff.  I have things I did not have when I arrived here in Quartzsite in September. The outdoor rug is one.  The little table I built from scrape lumber I had on hand, as a place to put food when folks come over. It has worked well as a place to sort rocks too. It just rests on top of the wheel fender and the two legs will fold down flat. All that was in the trailer when I arrived, so it will take up no additional space when I leave.

Breaking camp seems to be more on my mind these days than doing rocks or genealogy.  My plan is to make one last trip to Florida and the southeastern states when I leave here.  I won't be in a rush... I'll have to pace myself with incoming paydays and outgoing gasoline expenses.  I am also taking my bike and kayak and plan to kayak as many places in Florida as I can as I make a loop around the whole state.  Will be stopping to visit friends before returning to Arizona. 

Now I just realized I have lost the card out of my cell phone.  I went to copy some photos a friend sent me, of me working in the Rock Club Lapidary Shop, and did not have the option to save the photos to the card... because the card is missing.  What the heck.  I am not having a good season.  First my slide and photo scanner stopped working, then I lost $950 by trusting a dentist in Mexico, then the external hard drive dies, and now my sims card is missing.  Think I'll go back to bed.

All My Little Siblings.

My eight half-siblings and Dad, 1968, Aberdeen, SD
(Cheryl is the tallest one holding the dog)

Yesterday (Nov. 9, 2013), my sister, Cheryl Beaty Smith wrote on Facebook:

Well gonna try to quit smoking today. I'm sure I’ll have one later. Gonna cut back. Just got back from a short walk. One block at a time. I don't walk slow. Got my heart rate up a little. Felt good. Fresh air in my lungs.

Dialog followed:

• Me: I can't believe what I just read. I'm so proud of you Cheryl. Keep it up.

• Cheryl Smith Yep I know I can do it. Just have to take baby steps. Geez where have I heard that before?

• Me: I love you little sister.

I remember the first time I met Cheryl, as soon as I graduated from High School, I was on a bus to Aberdeen, SD from Indianapolis, IN to see my father in 1962.  (on left, Dad and I in Indianapolis, IN 1944)

My parents were divorced when I was a baby… and I had seen him some up to the age of about 3.  I had a memory of him, and it was good, so much better than the one I have of my extremely verbally abusive mother.  Most nights, growing up, I cried myself to self to sleep because of the void his absence left in my heart.  So, 19 and off I go to see him.

Dad and me, 1962.

Arriving in Aberdeen, he meets me at the bus, looks at me, and says:  “I always had doubts that you were my daughter, but seeing you today, I no longer doubt it.”  So we go home… to his wife and my five little half-siblings.  What a whirlwind of a day that was!  I woke the next morning in a big bed, with five little faces starring down at me… all giggly and smiling… and there was Cheryl… the image of myself at that age (chunky little Cheryl or Charlene???).  In all her thoughts, deeds and actions, she was me.

We haven’t kept in touch over the years, but when my computer died this year, it was Cheryl and her hubby Troy who made it possible for me to continue doing art work, continue with my blog, and continue the family genealogy.  When I got to Alaska to kayak my 49th state this August, it was Cheryl’s hubby Troy and son Keith, who picked me up at the airport. 

Cheryl and son Keith at family reunion in 1990s?

L-R: Keith, Troy, and Cheryl in Alaska
(glaciers in background) August 2013.

Then the three of them drove me from Anchorage to Seward, spending two nights in a motel, and buying all my meals. They would not let me spend $1, just so I could kayak Alaska.  I wish she could have gone out on the paddle with me… but because of her… it was a great experience.

Before picture.  We will be an “after” phone next to it later.

So, little sister, this one’s for you.  I know you will be successful in reaching your goal for better health.  One day, in the not too distant future, we will get to bike and/or kayak Alaska together.

I love you, carry on. You can do this.