GOOD RIDANCE TO 2025! This is the LAST day of a very long year!

Summary of 2025- what a pissy year! 

First, I must apologize to all my followers and people who have commented in the past.  I just realized I had dozens of comments waiting for my approval.  I am going through them now.  I am so sorry I never noticed sooner.  Now...

I woke this morning feeling motivated to write but by the time I sat down to do so, I had lost my train of thought.  At 81, that seems to happen more frequently.  I have lost not only that, but motivation and muscle strength.  It is no wonder people give up and die.  When you look back on what has been and what you wish had been, and what may be and what you wish would be… it can be depressing as hell.  But why pretend it is not so? What is the point?  My very long Bucket List seems somehow to have shortened itself to two items: Get the biography/autobiography done.  Get the Genealogy preserved and shipped off to archives.  Is that all there is?  What happened to being the grandma to my grandchildren, like the Grandma I had?  What happened to growing old with David Swankie and sharing our collective of a dozen or so grandkids?  Is this all there is????  I guess so!

“To the people in my life who support me, make me smile and bring me joy, I am thankful for you.”  (stolen from internet-The Cinchy Cowgirl) 

On this last day of 2025, I am taking a deep breath and trying to continue to believe in myself, with grace.  Maybe I am stronger than I think?  Maybe the best chapters of my story are still waiting to be written… I know the older chapters are still waiting to be written.  My “biographer” (my nephew Chris S. Beaty) and I are all the way up to 1973, with only six more decades to go!   Turning 82 in 2026, I keep wondering if there is enough time left to accomplish that ONE single item on my Bucket List!  Revised Bucket List on 12/31/2025 - Modified Bucket List : Rent kayak in Baja and on California Coast and other places, Make jewelry in Quartzsite, Ride horse on a beach, work on a Habitat for Humanity project, Visit Tuscany, Italy, Buy land, go watch wild horses and paint them, COMPLETE GENEALOGY.

Check out Chris' first book - http://www.csbeaty.com/loser  .

In the past I have made the mistake of being so understanding and forgiving that I overlooked the fact that I was being disrespected… until I reached a point I could no longer… and I walked away.  I walked out of the lives of the people I loved the most, because it hurt too much to stay.  Maybe, I deserved to be disrespected?  I am not sure I will ever know the answer to that question.  I do know for some reason, at 81, I seem younger, more vital, more agile, than others my age AND I have outlived many folk younger.  Genetics?  I have nine living half-siblings, ranging in age from 9-21 years younger than me.  They should all outlive me.  But I can pretty well still keep up with even the youngest ones.  This past summer, I kayaked a lake in Utah with one of them, 14 years younger than me… and I had no trouble holding my own, except the part of manhandling my kayak back to my truck.  He had to give me a hand with that.

The kayaking is the major change in my Bucket List. Since having bilateral “reverse” total shoulder replacements, I have gradually lost muscle mass… and those surgeries do limit the amount and type of lifting you do.  There is no way I want to risk damaging those prosthetics.  I have almost full range of motion now and have few limitations, only as regards “lifting.”  And that 53lb boat seems to weigh much much more now, than it did when I got it in 2009.  It is time to set that aside, a fact that would have been heartbreaking before this moment, but I am at peace with it now, especially since my nephew/biographer, Chris Beaty, wants to “keep it in the family – because it was in the movie Nomadland.”  He offered to buy it, but I am happy to gift it to him and honored that he wants it!  I am humbled and even more honored that I can share it with his 3 lovely children!  I hope they will all have many more adventures with my kayak, that has been on water in all the lower 48 states, plus been in an Oscar-winning movie (the swallows scene in Nomadland - my video footage by the way!).

So, in spite of the pissiness of 2025… there is that to look forward to in 2026… going to Nebraska to deliver the kayak to Chris, attending Beaty family gathering, getting to know my lovely great nieces and nephew, getting reacquainted with my half-siblings and all their kids and meeting some new in-laws… and who knows what after that! 

I have no plans beyond that gathering… except to continue working with Chris to complete the biography.  Hopefully, we can wrap it up in 2026.  Then, I will move on to my last task in this life… securing and archiving my 6 decades of genealogical research.  Then I am done.

Being DONE is not a bad thing.  It does not make me sad, or happy, or afraid.  I guess I don’t believe in an “after” only a “now!”  I will strive to make the best of my NOW til I am done!  And don’t any of you be sad when that day comes.  Be happy with your NOW!

What is remembered, lives! (Fern (aka Frances McDormand) in Nomadland)

Next post - Utah 2025!

SWANKIE'S BACK - Returning to the Wilderness

 They offered me diamonds on loan at Oscars, but I chose to honor my friend,
 Judy Crawford and wear the lovely hummingbird she made for me. 

My apologies for my absence. 2022 was a difficult year and 2023 not much better. Had my second shoulder replacement surgery. Just prior to that I assisted my "last best friend forever" move back into a sticks and bricks as he, with declining health, was no longer able to boondock alone.  I over-did it myself in breaking camp and helping him move and ended up on crutches due to hip pain. Then I had a long drive from AZ to CO (where my doctors and surgeons were located) and had to get past that big fire in New Mexico, the Hermits Peak and Calf Canyon Fires.

But finally got my surgery and while in recovery, I learned the camper trailer I was interested in was for sale, so I bought over the phone, with the understanding I could not take delivery until surgeon released me and I was able to drive again. The day came and I returned to AZ to get it... during a very very hot spell. While transferring things over from the old van, a task I had to pace myself on as I was still under lifting restrictions on the shoulder, I got Covid, Shingles and Vertigo. Eventually, I got moved in, gave my cargo trailer to HOWA and sold my old van and bought a truck. I felt I needed a 1Ton truck instead of the small cargo van. A few other health issues and tweaking of the trailer kept me grounded at my son's until Sept. 2024. At last, I was able to return to the wild, where I belong. I'll catch you up a little.

Earlier post from May 2024. 

Once upon a time, long ago and far away, I thought I could not live without my husband, my children, or my grandchildren. I felt surely I would loose my mind. Then I decided I needed a goal/a dream bigger than life itself. I began a bucket list and put the wildest things on it, things that seemed impossible, hoping something would light my fire and motivate me to "go on living," a promise I made to my last-forever-husband, David Swankie, on his death bed! (He meant, to date and marry again, but once you have had the best, why bother with the rest?)

Finally, I started on the Bucket List, got a kayak (2009) and learned to paddle. Then I asked myself... now what? From somewhere, a voice said... "Kayak America" (you can Google that and probably find something). And so I did... took 5 years, finishing with Hawaii as my 50th state in my 70th Birthday (2014). Inadvertently, because of that... and camping full time all those years, movie producers/actors (Peter Spears/Francis McDormand) learned about me and recruited me for the movie Nomadland (ha ha, becoming an actor was NOT on my Bucket list) and I ended up on the Red Carpet at the Oscars in Hollywood in 2021. Nomadland won 3 Oscars, Best Film, Best Director, and Best Actress. 

All true, I never could have dreamed up a scenario that crazy. Still pinching myself.

Now, after almost two years off the road, I am back out in the wild and hope to re-kayak the Western States and camp and travel the rest of my life, or until I can no longer drive, whichever comes first!

Dream big, find a goal or purpose bigger than life itself!

Last thought, a friend of mine who was considered for Nomadland, but turned down because producers felt she was too fragile... she was wheelchair bound in 2018, has since lost 100 pounds by 2024, is walking and jogging outside daily now and just bought a 2nd hand van to build out herself as a camper. She plans to buy a teardrop trailer for her adult handicapped son to use as "home" while she uses the van as her space... and they will hit the road when it is done, hopefully by 2025-26 winter AZ camping season. I would have thought that was impossible too. But she did it!

Dream Big! Go for it! And to all of you who have helped me along the way... your responses remind me of how many others have been a part of this journey! I kayaked with some, camped with others, hiked with a few. All of you matter! I love you all!

More stories to come. What was it like to be at the Oscars and be treated like a star? How did I feel after having my van broken into in Hollywood, in a "secure" parking lot, the night before the Oscars? What does it feel like to be in my 81st year with four bionic joints, 2 fake shoulders, 2 fake knees?? I will tell you all about it.

NEVER GIVE UP!
 

Swankie is back in the house...

Hello Friends,

 I began this blog over 10 years ago.  Somehow last year... I got locked out of it... and with everything that was going on, I just could not find a way to get back in to edit or post new material.  Today, Oct 8 2020... I did it... I managed to gain access once again.

I have just gone through and deleted all the SPAM comments.  Now, there are some missing photo on some post.  Need to fix that.

Will be creating a new HOME page that will be like an outline to the entire blog.  And I have a new domain name I will be attaching to it once the updates and corrections are made.

Please forgive me for my absence.  Ten plus years... lots can happen.  Unexpected things can happen... things you never had on your bucket list.  Along with Covid, 2020 has surprised me in ways that are nothing short of astrounding... I became an Actress... and am even being put up for an Oscar for Best Supporting Actress to Frances McDormand????   WHAT???   Well, I can tell you that was never on my Bucket List.  The day I met her on set, to begin filming with her the next day, was the first day I even knew her name.  Having been on the road for  a decade... I wasn't seeing a lot of movies and didn't know any of her's.   I never saw any of her movies until after we wrapped filming Nomadland.

Since I began this blog I have lost track of some folk, a few have even passed away.  But some are still in touch and in fact many of my nomad friends are in the movie with me.  Linda May and Bob Wells and I were the main supporting non-actor actors in the movie.  It will be out in a limited release on Dec 4, 2020.

Teaser Trailer... new longer trailer will be out soon.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dVP7PNRx8Mw

Now that I am back in my blog, I will try to do a better job of keeping you all updated.

Swankie

P.S.  Please note that my new domain name will be Swankie.actor.... well, why not??  LOL

Man you oughta see her fly…

One of my all time favorite songs is “A Broken Wing” by Martina McBride.  It speaks to my heart and soul.  Early this morning it came to me that it seemed everyone in my life had been trying to break my spirit down, everyone but my beloved Grandmother, Olive Carlton and my one true love, David Swankie.  They were the only ones who believed I could fly and encouraged me to do so.  And they were right, I am flying now.  Here are all the lyrics… and I will insert thoughts about my life.

She loved him like he was
The last man on Earth
Gave him everything she ever had
He'd break her spirit down
Then come lovin' up on her
Give a little then take it back

Yes, everyone (you define everyone) seemed to let me take a step forward but then push me back two steps.  As a child, I always wanted to become a veterinarian but was told… “We don’t have money for college… learn to type, you can always get a job.”  I was told, “you can’t wear horizontal strips… it makes you look fatter.”  I was told “You can’t buy that white suit… it makes you look like an ice cream vendor.” The verbal abuse just never ended… and as a child and a teenager, I cried myself to sleep most nights.  I cried for my absent father because surely life with him would be better.  I felt suicidal… but could not tell anyone.  I was not even allowed to take an aspirin for a headache and I suffered from migraines from a very early age.  At 15, I walked into a doctors office right off the street, a doctor I didn’t know… and begged for help as the migraine made me feel like I was loosing my mind.  Within my family, there was no help to be found… we were “Christian Scientists.”

She'd tell him 'bout her dreams
He'd just shoot 'em down
Lord he loved to make her cry
You're crazy for believin'
You'll ever leave the ground
He said only angels know how to fly

Yes, they made me feel like I would never leave the ground. As soon as I got out of high school… I was off to the Dakotas to find my absent father… because surely he would love me and let me fly.  But once there, an in-law of his said… “Why don’t you go back where you belong, you are causing trouble here.”  Go back where I belonged… where was that?  I felt that surely I had been switched at birth.  It never felt like I belonged anywhere, except at my Grandmother’s kitchen table… and she had her own family and her own life… I could not be a burden to her.  So, broken-hearted once again, I left… keeping my eye over the sky.  There must be a place for me… surely someone would love me.

And with a broken wing
She still sings
She keeps an eye over the sky
With a broken wing
She carries her dreams
Man you oughta see her fly

Dreams???  What dreams could I have?  No money for college, no family support, no skills or training.  I can’t even remember how, but I got a job (working for Layne Bryant as an inventory clerk) and began night school. I believed getting an education would turn things around for me.  I rented a room near my school.  I met a man in night school… and a few months later we were married in my Grandmother’s living room… cost $25 for the preacher, a sheet cake, my high school prom dress. Two years later, his job took us away from my hometown… we had our first child and began to travel the world… I was finally flying.  From Indiana to Florida, to Europe, to Iran (where our second child was born), to the American West, to West Africa… I was flying.

One Sunday morning
She didn't go to church
He wondered why she didn't leave
He went up to the bedroom
Found a note by the window
With the curtains blowin' in the breeze

But something went wrong with my marriage and we broke up, and I crashed to the ground.  Now I was uneducated, no skills, no training, no job… and the single mother of two little boys.  I had a broken wing, my spirit felt crushed. Suicidal thoughts returned but I could not bear to leave my sons with such an image… so I kept flapping my wings.

And with a broken wing
She still sings
She keeps an eye over the sky
With a broken wing
She carries her dreams
Man you oughta see her fly

I kept flapping wings, and singing and dreaming… I guess it was a bad time for my sons… they don’t have good memories of their childhood.  But I kept going to college, got degrees… and somehow in the meantime… they grew up and left home.  By the time I earned my master’s degree, they were married and off on their own.  How did all that happen?  Where did all the flowers go???  Where had my little boys gone?  Suddenly, I was a Grandma… but not the kind I wanted to be… not the kind my Grandma was to me.  It felt like ….I'd tell them 'bout my dreams and they would just shoot 'em down.  I asked, “Can I come watch the child open presents Christmas morning?”  I was told… “Christmas morning was only for family.”  Lord they seemed to love to make me cry.  But…

With a broken wing
She carries her dreams
Man you oughta see her fly

So, I flew away from them all… I could not bear anymore heartache… so I flew away.  If you don’t have a reason to stay, you must have a reason to leave. The void left in my heart by not being a part of the lives of my children and grandchildren would take some huge larger-than-life-itself kind of goals to survive… so I got a van… and set out to kayak America.  In the process, I regained my sanity (I think?), regained my health, and began finding my true self.  I was learning what it really meant to fly and set my spirit free.

I found a new family… vandwellers, who do support my dreams and even cherish them. They even call me an Inspiration.  My vanily (van-family) gives me all the love and support I always thought my bio-family should give.  Many of us out on the road feel that way, estranged. I am NOT alone.

I reached one dream to kayak America, all 50 states, on my 70th birthday… Hawaii.  It was a grand day but only one of my sons celebrated that day with me.  Now at 75, I am recovering from a total reverse shoulder replacement (a real broken wing?) and I am seeking a new dream, yet to be defined. 

In spite of the heartaches of the past, I have somehow… become a star!!!

First, I was only one of many people interviewed for Jessica Bruder’s book, NomadLand (https://www.amazon.com/Nomadland-Surviving-America-Twenty-First-Century/dp/039324931X/ref=tmm_hrd_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=&sr=).

I took that photo of Jess on top of her van, the year she interviewed me for her book.

Second, then magically, a major movie role fell in my lap, in the fictionalized movie version of Jessica’s book, to be released in probably 2020, NomadLand, the Movie.  The first news releases refer to me as a “star.” I thought it was just going to be a bit part as I never had any aspirations to become an actor. I guess I have finally learned to fly. This is requiring a major re-evaluation of my self-image.  Major.

The film follows McDormand’s Oscar-winning role in Searchlight’s “Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri.” David Strathairn, Linda May, and Charlene Swankie also star.

Imagine that, my friend, Linda May and I, are sharing top billing with greats like Frances McDormand and David Strathairn???   What the heck?  Will wonders never cease?

Frances McDormand on set in Quartzsite, AZ – January 2019.

Never give up. When one door shuts, maybe another will open. 
If a door opens, go through it and set your spirit free.

Press Release Feb. 2019:  https://variety.com/2019/film/news/frances-mcdormand-nomadland-fox-searchlight-1203137650/

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Songwriters: James House / Phil Barnhart / Sam Hogin

A Broken Wing lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC